you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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