apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
