ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize