Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
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