Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
