Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i think my cat just said my name.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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