last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"