member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
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I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷