at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.