I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
