sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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