Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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