I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
