Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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