All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
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Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours