Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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