I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
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i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
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Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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