Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
