Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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