so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
