He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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