the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
