if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.