White coat. Heels.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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