I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
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Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize