Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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