1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
