I wish they made helmets for livers.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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