John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
