Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish you could order shots online.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
