you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.