It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
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He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
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I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?