dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
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Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
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I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.