Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
