help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
