Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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