so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
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I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
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I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.