no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.