New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I