First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high