Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!