everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
