I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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