I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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