Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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