you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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