You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
