gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
