dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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