why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.