I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!