I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
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I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
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Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.