There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
