the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me