explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.