worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
