Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
