I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dating After Heartbreak
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i think im in europe. pls send help
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."