The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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