I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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