so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
